Nuevo, Queta Malone

Horóscopos patrios

Mis queridos querubines ahí les van sus horóscopos del mes patrio para que no solo peguen un grito si no varios.
Los astros dicen que te abstengas de la perdición y de la bebedera, pero un buen nativo de Aries los mandaría a la fregada y se empinaría un buen pomo al lado de unas chamacas este mes patrio.
Esperemos que este año si puedas pegar el grito como se debe, pues acuérdate que el año pasado el único que pegaste fue cuando te machucaste los testículos con la puerta del auto.
Los chacras se encuentran de buenas y tu planeta protector se encuentra en Capricornio, por lo que las próximas fases de la luna te favorecerán. No sabemos para qué te sirva, pero aprovecha.
Se ha comentado tu caminata borracho y encuerado alrededor del Ángel de la Independencia en los festejos del 15 del año pasado. Te recomendamos repetirlos pues la gente lo espera con ansia, solamente recuerda pedir coperacha acabando el chou.
Leo, con tu bravura cada año te entra lo macho y patriota; parecería que el espíritu de Juan Escutia te invadiera por completo. Nomás recuerda que él se aventó con la bandera, no se cayó de borracho jalando una cortina.
Tu eres un verdadero héroe patrio por hacer homenajes al cura Hidalgo todos los días. Ya que lo mismo un Chocomilk, una chela, o 3 litros de mezcal, siempre te los empinas de un trago.
En estas fiestas mexicanas te recomendamos ampliamente que te toquen “La cucaracha”, “La Malagueña” y “La paloma negra”. Pero no nos referimos a la de los mariachis, son las nuevas chicas del table dance de la esquina, que así les apodan.
Se te ha olvidado últimamente la meditación, y no me refiero a que te cruces de patas y hagas ommm, ommm. Me refiero a que le “medites” el agua a los camotes, pues andas muy gandalla.
Las cosas han mejorado en tu vida Sagitario, no te puedes quejar. Sí, sigues con el mismo salario y ese viejo auto, pero que las amiguitas de tu sobrina te encuentren sexy… no tiene precio.
Basta de mezcal, serpentinas y espanta suegras, septiembre ya va a morir. Ahora ya viene el “Jálogüin” y toca vodka y disfraces. Nomás ten cuidado con las estacas y el agua bendita.
Las constelaciones te favorecen, las estrellas te protegen y Júpiter te consiente. Que lástima que esto no te sirva para que tu jefe te deje de odiar, mejor chambea duro antes de que te corran.
Anímate y ponte guapo, es hora de sacudir tu traje de charro. Ahora guárdalo de nuevo pues no te queda ni de chiste, con semejante panza parece que te tragaste a Marte de una mordida sin importarte que es tu planeta de la suerte.

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