Horóscopos agosto

Queta-amors

Mis amores

Esta sección la hago con mucho amors para mi mostro querido y sus lectores. Cada mes podrán saber lo que los astros les deparan, siempre y cuando no esté poniéndole… veladoras al santo niño de Atocha para los ilumine a todos.

Aries

Los astros dicen que te abstengas de la perdición y de la bebedera, pero un buen nativo de Aries mandaría a la fregada a los astros y se empinaría un buen pomo a lado de unas chamacas en el mes patrio.

 

Tauro

Esperemos que este año si puedas pegar el grito como se debe pues acuérdate que el año pasado el único grito que pegaste fue cuando te machucaste los testículos con la puerta del auto.

 

Géminis

Los chacras se encuentras de buenas al igual que tu planeta protector se encuentra en Capricornio y las próximas faces de la luna te favorecerán. No sabemos pa que te sirva pero aprovéchate.

 

Cáncer

Se ha comentado tu caminata borracho y encuerado alrededor del Angel de la Independencia en los festejos del 15 del año pasado. Te recomendamos repetirlos pues la gente lo espera con ansia, solamente recuerda pedir coperacha acabando el chou.

 

Leo

Leo, con tu bravura cada año te entra lo macho y patriota y parecería que el espíritu de Juan Escutia te invadiera por completo. Nomás recuerda que el se aventó con la bandera no se cayó de borracho jalando una cortina.

 

Virgo

borracho jalando

Libra

En estas fiestas Mexicanas te recomendamos ampliamente que te toquen “La cucaracha”, “La Malagueña” y “La paloma negra”. pero no nos referimos a la de los mariachis, son las nuevas chicas del table dance de la esquina, que así les apodan.

 

Escorpión

Se te ha olvidado últimamente la meditación, y no me refiero a que te cruces de patas y hagas hommm, hommm. Me refiero a que le medites el agua a los camotes pues andas muy gandalla.

 

Sagitario

Las cosas han mejorado en tu vida Sagitario, no te puedes quejar. Sí, sigues con el mismo salario y ese viejo auto, pero que las amiguitas de tu sobrina te encuentren sexy… no tiene precio.

 

Capricornio

Basta de mezcal, serpentinas y espanta suegras septiembre ya murió ahora ya viene el jaloguin, ese mes toca vodka y disfraces. Nomás ten cuidado con las estacas y el agua bendita.

 

Acuario

Las constelaciones te favorecen, las estrellas te protegen, Júpiter te consiente. Que lástima que esto no te sirva para que tu jefe te deje de odiar, mejor chambea duro antes de que te corran.

 

Piscis

Anímate y ponte guapo, es hora de sacudir tu traje de charro. Ahora guárdalo de nuevo pues no te queda ni de chiste, pues con semejante panza parece que te tragaste a Marte de una mordida, sin importarte que es tu planeta de la suerte.

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